What Is 'Good' Sex—and How Much Should We Be Having? Melissa Symington Answers Our Questions on Intimacy, Connection, and Desire
"Desire, arousal, and orgasm are really great. It's wonderful. I'm not downplaying it. But so are hugs, close proximity, and looking into someone's eyes and talking deeply."
So says Melissa Symington, PhD, a clinical psychologist who focuses her work on sex therapy. Melissa works with individuals and couples to help them better understand their desires and hopes around one of our most significant yet misunderstood topics. As she explains, sex is for pleasure and closeness, communication, and intimacy. But still, it can be misunderstood and riddled with tons of expectations (and even disappointment).
That is what we wanted to explore with Melissa: What makes good sex? How often should we be having sex? And what if we just can't bring ourselves to want it?
In her conversation with Nada below, Melissa goes deep.
A Conversation with Melissa Symington, PhD
What is the function of sex in a relationship?
The function of sex in a relationship is for pleasure and closeness. I believe sex and any physical intimacy is about connecting. It's communication and a language. It helps our bodies de-stress in a way that is co-regulatory versus auto-regulatory. And anytime we engage in physical activity with another person, whether it's sexual or not, we release oxytocin, which is a bonding chemical that bonds us with the other person; it's an emotional you-are-my-person kind of feeling.
So, sex functions in a lot of ways that benefit us, individually and relationally.
We hear this idea of people having good sex or they're not having good sex. What would you say is good sex in this season of our lives?
It's very complex. I want to say that good sex is different in every stage of life. But often, we have this preconceived notion, this idea that good sex is something to—this will sound crazy—attain, to get, to capture. It's out there, and we have to get it. And we're not doing it right if we're not doing what we think we're supposed to be doing. I believe that conceptualization sets us off on the wrong pathway from the beginning, whether in our 20s, 50s, or 60s.
I want to talk about this idea of good sex being something that is created with your partner through communication, vulnerability, and authenticity. In that way, we can have fun and be playful versus this idea of performance, which invites all this anxiety and feelings of not being good enough. Then, that in and of itself adds to sexual dysfunction, which is everywhere in our society. And so good sex means accepting reality, where we're at in life, the challenges, being real with where we are, and having realistic expectations about ourselves and our partner that adds this ability for a range of experiences.
So if we enter a space with another person that's pressure-free or demand-free, then we can be ourselves, and our bodies can be relaxed, which means our bodies can function. There's less anxiety and pressure for a performance. And we accept that sometimes things don't work or sometimes our experiences are a dud, and sometimes they're fireworks—and everything in between includes good sex.
We could all benefit from being released from—in this age or any age. So then this question comes up a lot: How often should we be having sex to maintain a healthy quote-unquote relationship?
That question often comes up when I'm doing therapy with individuals and couples and in the classroom. This question is tricky because it hinges on these preconceived notions about what we think we should be doing or what we think other people are doing. So, we have to have a conversation with our partner that includes your idea of how many times a week we should have sex or be sexually active. And then, realistically, what does that look like? So there is a space for negotiation and conversation because one person might say, 'I'm good at like three times a week,' and the other might say, 'One time a week is good for me.' Then you both can say, 'This is what we can do that is manageable, maybe twice a week.' But again, it's a conversation.
Most of the time, our perceived notion of what the other person wants gets in the way. So we think our partner wants to have sex multiple times a day, every day of the week, and that might not be true. But that perceived notion [leads to the] feeling that I would never be able to satisfy that gives us this feeling of wanting to back away. We are retreating instead of being invited into the conversation. We're afraid to have the conversation because we're afraid we won't be able to meet whatever it is that they want. So sometimes we have to be brave enough to talk about 'What is it that you really think is a good amount of time or amount of times in the week?' And also, where did you get that idea? And where is it coming from? Is it driven by a sense of anxiety, or does a sense of wanting to connect drive it? What's the motivation behind it?
Again, there are many complicated layers to this question, but I do believe that it's possible to talk about, to negotiate, and to say, 'Let's come up with something that's good for both of us' versus thinking, I've gotta meet the needs of the one person who has a higher desire.
Are you using a week as a metric in this particular example? Should we be looking at this from a weekly point of view? I don't know. I mean, because I'm having conversations with people who are like, 'Once a month feels like a victory.' It could be that we're busy, sandwiched, and have stressors.
I'm just using a week because that is the language that most people use. But I agree with you 100 percent that for some couples—and again, this is why a good sex life is built—it's not something out there that we have to get to. Instead, it's like, no, this is us. What works for us? You and me. So, if what works for you and me is twice a month or once a month, and it does work, that's great. That's a victory.
When we're talking about sex, I also like to make the distinction that just physical affection is really important too. Having that as a language that's a part of our relationship can satisfy a lot of that closeness.
I have a friend who lost her husband, and she was telling me in a conversation that what she was hoping for in the next relationship wasn't sex; it was just being held. That felt like the most intimate thing that is missing. So this leads to this next question: Many of us at this time in life have been with a partner for many years, and people get bored. How do we avoid that boredom? We also feel like we're not in the most physically optimal time in our lives. How do we deal with that?
That is difficult because we associate being sexy with a certain look versus a certain stance that is so internal to who we are as people. We get caught up in spectatoring. So whether we're in the middle of the act or worried about entering into physical spaces with others, it is distracting looking down at our bodies instead of being in the moment and enjoying the feelings of touch and the pleasure that we get from being touched and touching our partner. We can float away and look down, and that interrupts arousal and the whole cycle of desire. So [it's about], are we willing to release ourselves from certain kinds of expectations about what our bodies should look like in order for us to be sexy? It's hard, but that also invites in this vulnerability, this ability to be real, to be playful. Because I really believe that sex is adult play.
Let me go back for a second and talk about childhood. What do kids do when they play? They get together, and they say, 'I have this great idea. Let's build a ramp, and we'll ride our bikes off it, and won't that be so fun?' Then they try, and they say, 'That was great.' And sometimes the ramp breaks, and they're like, 'Okay, that didn't work, but that's okay, let's try something else.' They have this curiosity. They're interested and not worried about what didn't work. They're open to trying the next thing. There's an openness.
So, you don't have to be totally wild and crazy here. I just think being realistic, being open, having some curiosity. And it's about being able to talk about things and say, 'Hey, you know what I enjoy?' We get into trouble when we're trying to make something feel even better than this or that. I use the term 'Good Enough Sex Model,' which comes from researchers a lot. I love that language. It's not to diminish the excitement of sex, but it's to give license to have this incredible experience, and you can have the duds and the fireworks. All of it is okay.
What is libido, and how do we get it?
Libido is such an interesting term, and it is often associated with sex drive, used mostly by Freud. That's where it entered into our language, when Freud described it as just energy. But I like to capture some of that and say that libido, drive, or desire is about aliveness. That's how I define it.
Oftentimes, we have an idea of what we think it is. It's a physical need or want for sex, but it's not just that. That can be a part of what it is, but libido also has an emotional and relational component. It has a psychological component. It's not just this bodily sensation. I can't wait to be physical with my partner. Sometimes it shows up that way. And then it can change as we move through varying stages of life. A lot of women will say, 'I don't have desire anymore.' And I always want to say, 'What do you mean by that?' Desire has a lot of components to it. It is highly complex. So, I like to say it means aliveness, meaning it's a way of expressing our passion and aliveness, which can be in many different ways.
When we talk about desire, specifically having to do with sex, I like to think about it as where are we putting kind of our aliveness towards? And that might mean reserving some energy. That might mean setting aside time. I know that's not very sexy, but we all get busy with everything. Being able to steward that energy and save some of it for ourselves and our partners is one way of doing that. Being intentional is a way of capturing some of that desire, that libido.
Another thing we're hearing about more and more in this midlife season is HRT [hormone replacement therapy] and how that is helping us to capture or activate that desire. Any thoughts on that?
Yes, I think that's a really important conversation to have […]